To all the predators, violators, manipulators, haters, judgers, silencers, watchers, persecutors, and those who failed to speak up.
To all those who sat in silence and watched my self-destruction. Judged me. Held me accountable for my self-hatred, without seeing the broken, lost soul screaming for love, attention and help.
For those who saw me as freak show, a tormented soul, diseased and contagious.
To the watchers who were glad that it was not them, not their child imploding, creating chaos and slowly killing themselves. You lived through me. My actions allowed you to escape your pain and hurt. You could explore your twisted curiousities through my actions and mistakes.
For those who gave up on me. Ignored my cries for help. Who left because I was too damaged to invest in repair.
For those who thought ignoring the problems would make them disappear.
For those who abandoned me.
It is with restraint that I don’t unleash the wrath that burns inside.
Part of me wants you to see the wounded child who you shamed. Shame I owned. Part of me wants you hold the guilt, that I carried for years. Part of me wants you to be accountable for everything you placed on me. However, I know that isn’t what this letter is for. This letter is to thank you, for who I became out of your hatred, judgements, violations, manipulations and all the other ways you inflected pain, pain that I carried, that I owned, that I allowed to define me. For I was definition less, lost, damaged and more than anything wanted to belong, to be part of something. To feel love. To have a family. And you the predators, violations, judgers and haters saw this and took advantage of an innocent and lost soul.
And I let you. All I wanted was what I couldn’t give myself. Love. Acceptance. Positive Regard. I sought it from other places, leaving myself vulnerable and a target.
Thank you. Out of this pain, torment and torture came who I am today. I carry a sense of invincibility, for I have witnessed and survived.
A am a rebel. I learned not to accept what was placed on me. To question the motives and status quo. For your reality is not my reality. And I no longer have to accept your reality as my truth. My truth burns and thrives, it guides and pushes me.
I am powerful. For I know what power is, how it can be abused, and misused creating pain and hurt. I know how it use it to better myself, others and the planet. How to use power to create love and acceptance.
I am gentle, for I know what is like to not have gentleness.
I am empathy, because I feel it all, for me, for you, for everyone.
I am compassion, for I know how to hold it for myself and others.
I am love. For I know what it is like not to have love for myself and to have been victim of those who do not have it for themselves. I know how to give and recieve love. For myself and for others from my heart, without motive, manipulation or misuse.
Thank you for judging me. For holding my self loathing and despair against me. Because you could not hold it for yourself. I know what judgement looks like and what it means when it shows up. It’s a gift, an insight that guides me to continue to grow and assist others to grow on their path.
Thank you for all the ways you hurt and scarred me. Thank you for the pain and burdens. They created magnificent fuel for the combustion and fire of me. It was glorious and beautiful. The blaze of colors and smoke that filled the sky. The shedding of the old. Snake skin in the dirt.
Rebirthing of the new.
Thank you, without all the ways you tried to hold me down, bind me, and abuse me, you created me. Fiery and passionate. Driven and empathic. Unstoppable. No longer a victim of stories, empowered by feelings.
The me, that writes this letter. Adolescent me. Young. Naive. Innocent. Hungry for love and acceptance. She stands in the ashes. She stands in the ruble, that we have created. Hand in hand. We are one. Naked. Raw. Vulnerable. Invincible. Renewed. Refreshed. Reborn. Badass.